In a matter of days I will be starting this project. I've been wondering if I will be able to keep it and to continue it non-stopping until September. It wouldn't be the first time I actually take 100 pictures in a row it's just that this year I've been so self-demaning it frightens me I might as well give everything up once Summer stars. It scares me to think there won't be no rest throughout the whole year...But I'd feel wasted if it wasn't this way.

Two toasts and a coffee. Wearing a long tracksuit and disheveled hair, as well as disheveled thoughts. 

Once you start to get used to peace it's hard to burst it. And I won't even hesitate if I have to, but my conscience is something I'm always struggling with. It's always wanting to do things and it won't even stay a single day without being all hassled for my thoughts.

I just want to be happy. Mediocrely happy. Without thinking that I have to spend the whole day doing stuff but exams are about to come and I don't need to lose my target now that everything is so close to its end. There's no point at giving up now, I have to start the frenzy once again, and put some batteries to my heart.

I've realized that I have an issue with myself. 

After a whole year which my main activity would consist of tons of hours wasted in front of books I forgot about a lot of things I've learnt about photography. And I'm not talking about the technical part.

I almost forgot what it was like to take pictures for pleasure, without any pressure or without thinking what might other people thing of my artwork. There came a day that, without noticing, I would think more about the repercussion of my pictures that the pictures themselves. I forgot how much I got inspired my other artists, how I followed their work and how I used to think 'Hey, I'd love to be like them!' but with an halo of positivism which I don't own at this moment. I think I just have to start right from the beginning and once again with everything that has to do with photography. That is why on June 1st I am finally starting my 100 days of summer project.

So I guess I finally realized what I should have known long time ago.

I guess when you start taking pictures, you do it for yourself. You actually are amused by taking some simple shots and then, if you are feeling even more bored, upload them to the web and have some fun. But while the time is passing and you're gaining attention, without wanting to, you start to stop doing pictures for yourself and you do everything for people to like it.

And it's such a mess. Because there comes a time when you are in awe. Lost. Desperate.

And wondering what is that hole that you have within your soul that don't let you be in peace with your art. And then you find it. 

And you need a solution. You need to start once again.

(100) Days of Summer.

So I'm really done.

I'm really done with it. Because I'm not like them. Where is the motivation? I'm wondering why can't everything be like before. Maybe it's just a misunderstanding with myself. I can't leave and then come back as if nothing has happened. Recognition. Effort. Influence. Inspiration. I'm sick of everything. Everything is in my mind, I'd love to be content with mediocrity, but I can't be good at everything. I just can't even be good at the things I'm most passionate about.

So what. What do I do now. Everyday it's like a brand new start, a new page. It's like saying 'Today, I'm catching up.' But then I read it. 'Who the fuck are you?' 'This picture is shit.' Well damn.

Damn.

This picture belongs to Argentina, Buenos Aires, my homeland. Specifically we can see one of the neighborhoods called 'El barrio Chino'.

Today is such a good day for procrastinating seeing the rainy clouds and the fact that I have to study English just makes me want to go to my bf's house and watch films. Which is exactly what we're going to do!

Anyway. I've been thinking of getting back to my 365 days project or start a 100 days of summer one. The thing is, I'm so bad at making up my mind!

So if you know what you'd like me to do, you can kindly vote on my Facebook page and decide! (It takes literally 10 seconds) here you can do so!

Two days ago, it was prom. 

It was so weird to see how everything was over! We were all dressed to the nines and I was nervous as hell, sheet in hand and shaking because I was about to do a speech in front of all my friends, classmates, families etc. I am a really nervous person myself so I was just about to faint (Okay. I might be exaggerating) And thinking wether people would like the speech or hate it. I didn't want to stutter but finally I did my best and people seemed to like it so I was happy, eternally happy!

Anyways, I felt very honored to do a speech as a gift to my school because of all the years  I got to spend in, as we would all call it, our second home. And that is it. Now it's over and there are just a bunch of exams and a looong summer!

I am really excited about photography! I think I'm about to get into the big business of photography step by step and it's just about time that I start to develop it, I just need to do tons of research before. :)

Black and white version, looks classier!

Today has been a really important day. I've finally finished school, and now I just have 18 exams to finish until I go to the university in Malaga.
And this picture really relates to it. 
Today I've cried several times, because it's hard to close one stage of your life when it made you so happy and when it almost pieces together all your lifetime. Since I was 4 years old and I entered to school I've lived a lot through a lot of schools, and specially this last one has really made me feel that my life is worth living. Every year.

It's like tiny steps which can be removed from water without leaving any apparent sign, but it was there and you will remember it forever.No matter if it was worse or better. I will always cherish them with the greatest memories, because all the good things have to come to an end, but sometimes it's scary to look at the future and to see yourself, with all your dearly beloved miles away from you. And you might want to hug them, to see them daily, but you won't be able.
That makes me realize that it's really important that this summer I take the best out of me with my friends and family because after that nothing will be like I used to know.
Which is scary. But is encouraging at the same time. 

Now I better take a deep breath, because I still have one month and two weeks of effort and sacrifice.

As he kisses my forehead and say 'Don't worry. Everything will be fine. You will succeed. You are capable' I cannot do nothing but hold into his chest with my fists just about to wrench his clothing with the strength I'm holding his torso.
Overwhelmed. That might be the word. Tiredness as well. And exams haven't started yet... I feel tired. My mind is somewhere far away dreaming of starry nights, long walks in the promenade with the pretty lights, the smell of food and a lot of people consumed by summer joy. I'm thinking of my feet covered in sand, and my body rolling backwards until my lips finally meet with his. Sinking in the sea while my flesh feels refreshed, touching my skin to know that its touch is both hard and burnt, promises, wishes, the dream of those four months before I give my last farewell to life as I used to know, which isn't exactly static.

But before that, I must work really hard, I have to get over the pain and the stress because one day, one day I will be free. 

Because of today being the last day that I have 'free' after school again, I decided not to wake up early. And I almost didn't achieve that, having woken up more than 4 times and finally deciding to get up at 11 AM with my head aching. How could that be? I've slept more than I've done in weeks, maybe months.
I was ill. My head was aching and I just couldn't believe how 'perfect' the timing of this ache was.
Starting my final exams next weeks, this was nothing but a damnation that I had to face... but I wasn't ready to think that. I just knew that I had to study and I would carry with this weight throughout the whole week... which would mean lower grades.
Later I thought.

Hey. What's the point of surrendering? Will I be a loser, accepting the faith of this when I've worked a lot for a good outcome? No way. I'm greater than just a simple flu and I will succeed and end this year. To be with him. To spend the best summer by his side.

After some hours with Spanish literature, he came home. With sweets, cakes and that lovely smile which would enchant me daily.

God bless those days when you wake up with the wrong side of bed but go to sleep at night with a huge grin in your visage.

Today I feel both physically and mentally tired. I woke up with my head aching and I could do nothing but leave my blanket and stare into the closed window with all the darkness in my surroundings. After a cup of coffee I didn't feel like sinking into History of Spain and my brain agreed with me.

Later I decided to take a rest and wondered how I would be like with brown eyes and freckles. That's the best thing about Photoshop; you can be whoever you want to be, it's like a game, it's a lovely hobbie and a passion which hopefully will transform into more than just some dead hours staring at a screen. 

I remembered when I started with Photoshop just because I wanted to be able to turn ugly pictures to lovely creations, and I'm still on my way.

Philosophy would come after some history hours but Ortega y Gasset had complicated ideas which my tiring eyes wouldn't process. My bones were literally trickling, my head aching,my throat burning and my neck hurting at the touch of the back of my chair or no apparent reason.

Who cares about grades? Who cares about appearance and money when you're seventeen? I will not set boundaries. The best thing when you fall in love as a teen is that none of that matter. It just matters if that person makes you happy and if their kisses are able to heal and make you retrieve from anything.

I missed those days when photography would be one of the main tasks, and now my desk is full of sheets and wasted ink but none of this has to do with taking pictures, sharing my feelings and receiving feedback. I just miss it, but we cannot have everything. 

Lying on his chest while I watch the twilight and I feel my thighs covered in kisses and sand is just a sweet oasis to remind me that the good times are yet to come, but now I have to focus on exams and speeches.  It will be hard to be back to normal and to remind people I'm still alive, but it will be worth the try.