(19) Days of summer.

And as every bad thing in life dramatically comes, and every good thing in life fortunately comes, exams finished. It is weird to think that was the last time I was going to do an exam until I entered to university, and the feeling of leaving the building made all the effort, the tears, the sleepless nights and the heart-wrenching mornings worth it. Because this year I've learnt a lot. I've learnt what it's like to sacrifice for something, for a goal. I also learnt that I'm a morning student and that I can't study at night because I would fall asleep. I've learnt philosophy, maths, spanish, english, french, economics, geography... And I've learnt that although they are important subjects, the only thing I've truly discovered this year is that I am able to reach my goals because I have the strength of doing so. And that, is the best thing I've learnt this year.Now I can throw all my essays and books away because they are useless for what is yet to come... Welcome summer.

(18) Days of summer.

It's like a light surrounding the darkness, what I'm feeling under my skin.It's unavoidable, the feeling that my school year is over is as present as ever. I just can't believe how fast, but deadly tiring this year has passed. Everything that I've done, achieved, failed and experienced within these two years are almost coming to an end. But I still have the worst exams, and once they are finished and I give my exam, open the door and see the sunshine I won't be able to do anything but to gasp and think 'I'm free.'

(17) Days of summer

And finally, exams started. After waking up in the morning and having a cup of coffee while I flickered through my philosophy essays, I wished that all the exams were over. Surprisingly, I wasn't as nervous as I thought I was going to be. Maybe, and just maybe I had learnt that getting nervous is totally useless, because I won't perform as well as I would do without nerves. Or maybe philosophy, spanish and english weren't really demanding. The thing is, once I finished these three exams I was more than pleased. I just have three exams left, and even though today and tomorrow will consume all my energy, finally all my effort will have its results.

(16) Days of summer

Federico Garcia Lorca, Antonio Machado, Nietzsche and Plato have been my companions amongst other artists, philosophers and old celebrities that unavoidably fill my thoughts and desk. It's been already three days since I last stepped in the street and my head is feeling a little bit dizzy.

(15) Days of summer.

And in this moment, I swear my head is as full as ever. Thinking about anything I might do in one week is really amusing and distracting, so I've got to close both my imagination and wonders and learn how to do statistics properly. The clock is running out, and the uncertainty of what might enter in the exam is every time higher. It's a countdown for the start of my exams, but it is also the countdown for the beginning of what is meant to be the best three months I've ever had.

(14) Days of summer.

I am thankful for everything that I've got. Because I know that if I ever feel bad, I'll always have that shoulder to cry on, that person to talk to and that I know that will hear and understand my thoughts without hesitating. It is comfortable to think that. To have someone that is able to make you laugh when you're about to cry, and that can gift you things such as a little fluffy bear because he knows you love cuddling teddy bears. It's nice to know we're loved, and understood. The best blessing I've have in my life is to love and feel loved back.

(13) Days of summer.

Today I woke up with the feeling that I had to study more than I've ever studied in my whole life. Such an overwhelming feeling it was, I was numb. Unable to even do a maths exercise. I had to leave my house with no objective, just to wander and to rethink... Because that was everything I could do. My nerves were in my skin and my motivation was somewhere far away from my heart and soul. But I have to take the next step... In less than a week summer is here.

(12) Days of summer.

Now I remember why it's a failure to take pictures in my room... I totally suck at indoors, I even forgot to lower the ISO and i kinda hate this picture but oh well...
I can't even explain how tiring today was. I had my English exam and I was so freaking nervous I developed it awfully when i usually do it properly. I hate it. I hate how my nerves consume me and how I'm unable to do anything when I feel overwhelmed, I hate my hand trembling while I try to write a sentence and I hate failing and exam, because I never fail them. I sometimes think I'm too pessimistic and perfectionist, and that kind of chains me to the reality because I have an interior judge that is constantly shouting in my ear to succeed, and if I not, if I surrender for a single moment, I can feel the voice shouting at my back as I fall. 

(11) Days of summer

Today my day consisted of revising a lot of English exams, which is kinda useless because the chances of a word being in the Cambridge exam I have tomorrow is likely to be 0,0000000000000000001% but at least I feel as I'm doing something worthy. When I'm not. But  I love deceiving myself. I also went to economics class and had a lovely breakfast. Nothing really important can happen in an usual Wednesday... I just pray tomorrow exam is easy enough for a pass. 

(10) Days of summer

You might find the topic of books/words constantly repeating over this week and the next one. But is the first thing I think when I wake up at 6 AM to study and the thing I worry about when I finally close my eyes at 12 PM, so it is quite repetitive for me as well. It already feels weird to think that in a week and a half my actual summer will start, and when I used to have exams every month... What are now my philosophy, economics, geography, maths and Spanish books will just fade. Just like all my sheets and essays.It will all come to dust to be part of my memories.

(9) Days of summer

Some people find it extremely easy, and even inspiring to take self-portraits in the middle of the doom and gloom. I don't, but I am forced to take a daily picture so here this is.
It is quite chaotic, actually. The elements are random and don't fit with each other... but I guess that is how I feel right now, and as long as the picture reflects my mood, it is fair enough.
But I don't know how to feel. It might be the fright of the uncertain, the surrender after all these months or just my complex personality at a times. But this has to change. I have to enjoy the present and not to worry about the future... but if it isn't leaving up to my expectations, something is going wrong.

(8) Days of summer

While real life can sometimes be deceiving, we need to find the light in the darkness. Every corner in our town can hold a great or a bad memory. Any place, which my seem humble at first, can be of great importance to anyone. It's just a matter to forgetting your environment and turning every dark place in your heart into a pump of joy and excitement. It is alright to have dreams, it is advisable to pursue ambitions, but not a single man was born being already a success

(7) Days of summer

As I  cover my forehead with my hands, wonder where they are.

I guess it is my pessimistic mood ,or maybe I'm too attached I just want to spend all time with him.Once you find the one, it is hard every time you have to give a farewell. All the hours feels like nothing two seconds after he disappeared. And when you are away, there is just one thought passing by your heard, unavoidably.It is beautiful but it is horrible at the same time. Torturous and marvelous, it's wonderful to say at least what a person can accomplish. How can someone be able to give everything to another being without hesitating. Barely gasping but feeling loved moment. How can I set boundaries when my appreciation doesn't have them? 

(6) Days of summer

I've already developed this idea some time ago, but I wanted to do it once again. It's always at least interesting to portray the same idea of a shot you did some years ago and compare the result.

I've been told that we should not compare with other people but with ourselves, and sometimes the result can be paying off. 

I cherish good memories of that stage of my life when I would spend hours flickering through the books in my library and feeling flabbergasted every time I found a story that attracted me.

Now, it's been months, maybe years since that passion for literature has shrunk. 

Everytime I have clearer that these months are fully aimed to rediscover who I was. To show the light to that soul that has been trapped in essays, reviews and proposals for years.

(5) Days of summer

Today I really got on my nerves.

I suppose I wasn't fully aware of everything I had to study but now I had, and I don't know how   I will manage to schedule in order to pass both university and English exams at the same time that I take my daily picture and I'm actually proud of it.

I been told that I am thinking like my life is doom and gloom when I actually have it all. And the truth is, it's not like that. I appreciate every tiny bit of my existence, I just started this project in a tricky stage of my life where I finish school and I have to enter to the university and degree that I desire. That requires both effort and patience and I lack of the latter option.Although I always manage to succeed but in the pathway I struggle and feel breathless.

(4) Day of summer

If there is any value I'd love to own that would be patience. There will always be someone better, who shine brighter with less effort and that just gets what you seek with astonishing ease. But is not better who has everything but the one that is happy with what they have.

Because life doesn't only consist of ups but downs as well. If we want to taste heaven we will must have seen hell before. There is no better satisfaction than when we failed several times until we eventually got an expected result. Path of life is full of stones and broken roads, but I'm on my way to disregard them.

(3) Day of summer

I have the feeling that something is going wrong when everything seems fairly normal. But why? I guess sometimes is the endeavor of improving everyday but I should learn more about the art of passing by because I'm quite paranoid. Worrying less would be the clue, but while it is easy for some I find it heart-wrenching and impossible. Being concerned without reason can lead to an unavoidable feeling of irrational sadness.

(2) Day of summer

I could say today is my last day of peacefulness so that tomorrow I am finally starting to study for my exams of entrance to university. 

While I lay in the bed and I see my desktop with cluttered by paper sheets and folders I can do nothing but gasp and wonder if I'm even able to come back to a study routine.

I didn't do much today besides helping my boyfriend to study Spanish and sleep a lot.

 Until 20th June I won't have more breaks but it will be totally worth it.

(1) Day of Summer

What is a better way to predict what this 100 days will hold but clutching  each other while looking at twilight, listening to 'Shadow of the day' for the first time and smelling the salty smell of the sea?

I don't know what the future might hold but I wish I am patient and constant enough to make of this 100 days a successful achievement.

In a matter of days I will be starting this project. I've been wondering if I will be able to keep it and to continue it non-stopping until September. It wouldn't be the first time I actually take 100 pictures in a row it's just that this year I've been so self-demaning it frightens me I might as well give everything up once Summer stars. It scares me to think there won't be no rest throughout the whole year...But I'd feel wasted if it wasn't this way.

Two toasts and a coffee. Wearing a long tracksuit and disheveled hair, as well as disheveled thoughts. 

Once you start to get used to peace it's hard to burst it. And I won't even hesitate if I have to, but my conscience is something I'm always struggling with. It's always wanting to do things and it won't even stay a single day without being all hassled for my thoughts.

I just want to be happy. Mediocrely happy. Without thinking that I have to spend the whole day doing stuff but exams are about to come and I don't need to lose my target now that everything is so close to its end. There's no point at giving up now, I have to start the frenzy once again, and put some batteries to my heart.

I've realized that I have an issue with myself. 

After a whole year which my main activity would consist of tons of hours wasted in front of books I forgot about a lot of things I've learnt about photography. And I'm not talking about the technical part.

I almost forgot what it was like to take pictures for pleasure, without any pressure or without thinking what might other people thing of my artwork. There came a day that, without noticing, I would think more about the repercussion of my pictures that the pictures themselves. I forgot how much I got inspired my other artists, how I followed their work and how I used to think 'Hey, I'd love to be like them!' but with an halo of positivism which I don't own at this moment. I think I just have to start right from the beginning and once again with everything that has to do with photography. That is why on June 1st I am finally starting my 100 days of summer project.

So I guess I finally realized what I should have known long time ago.

I guess when you start taking pictures, you do it for yourself. You actually are amused by taking some simple shots and then, if you are feeling even more bored, upload them to the web and have some fun. But while the time is passing and you're gaining attention, without wanting to, you start to stop doing pictures for yourself and you do everything for people to like it.

And it's such a mess. Because there comes a time when you are in awe. Lost. Desperate.

And wondering what is that hole that you have within your soul that don't let you be in peace with your art. And then you find it. 

And you need a solution. You need to start once again.

(100) Days of Summer.

So I'm really done.

I'm really done with it. Because I'm not like them. Where is the motivation? I'm wondering why can't everything be like before. Maybe it's just a misunderstanding with myself. I can't leave and then come back as if nothing has happened. Recognition. Effort. Influence. Inspiration. I'm sick of everything. Everything is in my mind, I'd love to be content with mediocrity, but I can't be good at everything. I just can't even be good at the things I'm most passionate about.

So what. What do I do now. Everyday it's like a brand new start, a new page. It's like saying 'Today, I'm catching up.' But then I read it. 'Who the fuck are you?' 'This picture is shit.' Well damn.

Damn.

This picture belongs to Argentina, Buenos Aires, my homeland. Specifically we can see one of the neighborhoods called 'El barrio Chino'.

Today is such a good day for procrastinating seeing the rainy clouds and the fact that I have to study English just makes me want to go to my bf's house and watch films. Which is exactly what we're going to do!

Anyway. I've been thinking of getting back to my 365 days project or start a 100 days of summer one. The thing is, I'm so bad at making up my mind!

So if you know what you'd like me to do, you can kindly vote on my Facebook page and decide! (It takes literally 10 seconds) here you can do so!

Two days ago, it was prom. 

It was so weird to see how everything was over! We were all dressed to the nines and I was nervous as hell, sheet in hand and shaking because I was about to do a speech in front of all my friends, classmates, families etc. I am a really nervous person myself so I was just about to faint (Okay. I might be exaggerating) And thinking wether people would like the speech or hate it. I didn't want to stutter but finally I did my best and people seemed to like it so I was happy, eternally happy!

Anyways, I felt very honored to do a speech as a gift to my school because of all the years  I got to spend in, as we would all call it, our second home. And that is it. Now it's over and there are just a bunch of exams and a looong summer!

I am really excited about photography! I think I'm about to get into the big business of photography step by step and it's just about time that I start to develop it, I just need to do tons of research before. :)

Black and white version, looks classier!

Today has been a really important day. I've finally finished school, and now I just have 18 exams to finish until I go to the university in Malaga.
And this picture really relates to it. 
Today I've cried several times, because it's hard to close one stage of your life when it made you so happy and when it almost pieces together all your lifetime. Since I was 4 years old and I entered to school I've lived a lot through a lot of schools, and specially this last one has really made me feel that my life is worth living. Every year.

It's like tiny steps which can be removed from water without leaving any apparent sign, but it was there and you will remember it forever.No matter if it was worse or better. I will always cherish them with the greatest memories, because all the good things have to come to an end, but sometimes it's scary to look at the future and to see yourself, with all your dearly beloved miles away from you. And you might want to hug them, to see them daily, but you won't be able.
That makes me realize that it's really important that this summer I take the best out of me with my friends and family because after that nothing will be like I used to know.
Which is scary. But is encouraging at the same time. 

Now I better take a deep breath, because I still have one month and two weeks of effort and sacrifice.

As he kisses my forehead and say 'Don't worry. Everything will be fine. You will succeed. You are capable' I cannot do nothing but hold into his chest with my fists just about to wrench his clothing with the strength I'm holding his torso.
Overwhelmed. That might be the word. Tiredness as well. And exams haven't started yet... I feel tired. My mind is somewhere far away dreaming of starry nights, long walks in the promenade with the pretty lights, the smell of food and a lot of people consumed by summer joy. I'm thinking of my feet covered in sand, and my body rolling backwards until my lips finally meet with his. Sinking in the sea while my flesh feels refreshed, touching my skin to know that its touch is both hard and burnt, promises, wishes, the dream of those four months before I give my last farewell to life as I used to know, which isn't exactly static.

But before that, I must work really hard, I have to get over the pain and the stress because one day, one day I will be free. 

Because of today being the last day that I have 'free' after school again, I decided not to wake up early. And I almost didn't achieve that, having woken up more than 4 times and finally deciding to get up at 11 AM with my head aching. How could that be? I've slept more than I've done in weeks, maybe months.
I was ill. My head was aching and I just couldn't believe how 'perfect' the timing of this ache was.
Starting my final exams next weeks, this was nothing but a damnation that I had to face... but I wasn't ready to think that. I just knew that I had to study and I would carry with this weight throughout the whole week... which would mean lower grades.
Later I thought.

Hey. What's the point of surrendering? Will I be a loser, accepting the faith of this when I've worked a lot for a good outcome? No way. I'm greater than just a simple flu and I will succeed and end this year. To be with him. To spend the best summer by his side.

After some hours with Spanish literature, he came home. With sweets, cakes and that lovely smile which would enchant me daily.

God bless those days when you wake up with the wrong side of bed but go to sleep at night with a huge grin in your visage.

Today I feel both physically and mentally tired. I woke up with my head aching and I could do nothing but leave my blanket and stare into the closed window with all the darkness in my surroundings. After a cup of coffee I didn't feel like sinking into History of Spain and my brain agreed with me.

Later I decided to take a rest and wondered how I would be like with brown eyes and freckles. That's the best thing about Photoshop; you can be whoever you want to be, it's like a game, it's a lovely hobbie and a passion which hopefully will transform into more than just some dead hours staring at a screen. 

I remembered when I started with Photoshop just because I wanted to be able to turn ugly pictures to lovely creations, and I'm still on my way.

Philosophy would come after some history hours but Ortega y Gasset had complicated ideas which my tiring eyes wouldn't process. My bones were literally trickling, my head aching,my throat burning and my neck hurting at the touch of the back of my chair or no apparent reason.

Who cares about grades? Who cares about appearance and money when you're seventeen? I will not set boundaries. The best thing when you fall in love as a teen is that none of that matter. It just matters if that person makes you happy and if their kisses are able to heal and make you retrieve from anything.

I missed those days when photography would be one of the main tasks, and now my desk is full of sheets and wasted ink but none of this has to do with taking pictures, sharing my feelings and receiving feedback. I just miss it, but we cannot have everything. 

Lying on his chest while I watch the twilight and I feel my thighs covered in kisses and sand is just a sweet oasis to remind me that the good times are yet to come, but now I have to focus on exams and speeches.  It will be hard to be back to normal and to remind people I'm still alive, but it will be worth the try.

Saint Valentine's day

14/2/2013

Last Valentine's day was something worth remembering for various reasons. 

I remember that week was vital for me, the day before I went to Malaga and finally made my mind about not only what I wanted to study but where I would develop my advertising degree as well. 

That week was full of changes and I was nervous as ever, being the school pressure always present while I had to do many other tasks. When I woke up the Valentine's day I had near my bed a bouquet of roses and I was amazed because of the lovely surprise! I'd never had expected that I would have such a lovely surprise the very same moment I've gotten up. I also took advantage of the flowers to take plenty of pictures with them... I guess I cannot help it, if I have flowers in my house I must take pictures with them, they are such a lovely complement!

Being absent for quite a lot of time because of many factors including studies I had to take the decision of temporally abandon the photography aspect of my daily grind in order to satisfy those, as they seemed to be, needs. 

Luckily school ends in some months and I will be able not only to spend time taking picture but to totally refresh the looks of my pages with some content I still have to define. I'm still not fully into this because I still have a couple of months full of activity but as soon as I can I will come back with brand new stuff in both Tumblr and Blogspot. 

 Thank you for reading!